Category Archives: Writing Life

Writing (or not) when it feels like the world has ended

[This is going to be about post-election feelings. This blog felt like the only place I could really lay them out. You’ve been warned.]

I haven’t written a word of fiction since Tuesday.

No, scratch that. I’ve written about two sentences of revision on a story I sold on Tuesday, news which I was really excited to share with everyone until the world seemed to spiral out of control. But everything else creative has been dried up, covered in a pile of anxiety and sleepless nights and grief.

You’re probably going to say (or, my traitor brain is trying to convince me that you’re going to say): what’s the big deal? So the mediocre writer who can’t sell most of her work anyway and who no one really reads when she is published hasn’t written for all of five days? So fucking what?

Well, it doesn’t really matter to anyone outside of me in the end. It’s just that I’ve always written.

I wrote before I quite knew all of my letters (I would dictate stories to my mom, and have her write them down for me, and then I’d draw the pictures).  When things got confusing, or scary, or I just didn’t want to deal with the world, my imagination was the safe place I went to. The only times I stopped writing for any extended period of time just happen to be the darkest, the hardest, the emptiest.

When it comes down to it, everything I’ve written in my life has been an attempt to understand people, because as a whole they’ve never made all that much sense to me. And I think on Tuesday I came to a realization that I will never understand people, and that really, if they’re all like this, I don’t want to.

I had been writing, pushing through all the anxiety election season was causing me. I was working out notes for a pulp series I was going to attempt, about a ghost hunter/night librarian. I was plucking away through NaNo, happy enough though I was far behind the wordcount goal. I had a couple of short stories I was trying to shape into something salable.

Maybe I’ll get them back.

Maybe I won’t.

Maybe I’ll have to learn to be okay with that.

There’s been sort of a call to arms, or maybe many calls to arms, amongst the writers I orbit on social media, particularly those from marginalized groups. We’re going to need art if we’re going to make it through the next four–or however many–years. We’re going to need stories that protest and stories that bring peace.

Part of the problem is that I don’t know if I have those stories in me. Part of the problem is that, even if I did, I don’t know if I deserve to tell them.

This was something I was grappling with before Tuesday. Even though I write in order to see through other eyes, in the end I can only be who I am, and who I am is a white, cisgender, raised-in-the-suburbs, middle-class female person. And no matter how representational I tried to make my fiction in terms of race, sex, religion, gender, or class, doe any of that matter if I am the messenger? If I get things wrong by mistake, does it make things worse for people? Are my stories worth telling, and are they worth hearing?

These are things I’ve been trying to work through. Now there’s just a much bigger layer of doubt to dig past.

I lost a lot of my youthful political idealism a long time ago. Now, with the election of a man I will not name to the most powerful position on earth, I have lost most of my hope. I don’t want to give him that power. I want to fight back. I want to tell whatever story I have it in me to tell, whether or not its good enough.

But I’m not there yet.

For now, I take sleeping pills. I try to remember to eat, though I haven’t been hungry in five days. I go to work.

I’m trying to give myself space to be. And I hope that soon space to be will mean stories to write after all.

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I wrote a thing…

…and somebody published that thing!

This month I’m over at Luna Station Quarterly with my story “Wayfarers.” Check out it and the rest of the amazing issue right here.

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I wrote a thing…

…and somebody published that thing!

Ship of Fools” is up today at Unlikely Story in the Journal of Unlikely Observances. It’s about first crushes, celebrations, and the last artifacts left in a drowning world.  I like it a lot and I hope you all do to. And check out the rest of the amazing table of contents as well!

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I wrote a thing…

…and somebody published that thing!

My story “Bone Man and the Sleeping Kings” is in the second volume of Bards and Sages’ Great Tomes series, The Great Tome of Darkest Horrors and Unspeakable Evils. I don’t know about unspeakably evil, but is probably as close as I’ve ever gotten to writing an adventure story. And there are Mesoamerican-style mummies. Who fly. So, if that floats your boat, go on and give it a look. I had fun writing this and I hope you all like it 🙂

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I wrote a thing…

…and you can Kickstart that thing!

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I am really, really excited to be included in a new anthology from Alliteration Ink. It’s called No Shit, There I Was…, and it’s live on Kickstarter right now. There are 24 awesome speculative fiction stories from 24 awesome writers in this project. So hop on over to Kickstarter and check it out. And please feel free to share it with your friends.

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I wrote a(nother) thing!

So, I didn’t expect this to come so soon on the heels of my last post, but I had a flash piece today up at Daily Science Fiction. It’s called “You’re Doing the Best You Can” and you can read it right here if you so desire.

Lest you think I am suddenly prolific: this is definitely an aberration. I’ve never had two pieces out in one month before, and I don’t really expect it to happen again.

And hello to my new followers. I’m still sort of on hiatus, but who knows? I may be inspired to write a bookish post or review sort of soon.

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I wrote a thing…

…and somebody published that thing!

So I’m gonna jump out of hibernation for a sec to tell you all about it.

This month I’m in Apex Magazine with a poem, “Arrythmia,” which you can read right here. (Surprising no one, it’s about hearts.) I hadn’t written poetry for like ten years until one night I couldn’t sleep, and I did. It still kind of freaks me out that somebody liked it enough to publish it. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it.

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I wrote a thing.

And somebody published that thing! This week I’m over at Strange Horizons with a story called “Probably Definitely.” Pop on over and check it out; I hope you like it. It’s one I’m pretty proud of.

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I wrote a thing…

…and somebody published that thing!

I’m over at Every Day Fiction today with a flash vignette called “The Hair Club for Fairytale Princesses.” If you’d like, pop over and give it a read.

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I wrote a thing…

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…and somebody published that thing!

The current issue of Bards and Sages Quarterly features my story “We Can Get It to You Yesterday.” It’s about time travel and home shopping (…mostly, the home shopping part.) If you are so inclined, you can purchase it for Kindle right now. There’s lots of great stories in the issue. This is the first story I’ve had out in over a year, cause heart surgery derailed me a bit, so I’m extra excited about it.

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